Spotting the signs that something is wrong

Children rarely announce that they are being bullied. They often fear that speaking up will make things worse, or that they will worry you. Instead, the signs tend to appear sideways: a child who was once happy at the school gate suddenly dragging their feet, a stomach ache that arrives every Sunday evening, or a usually chatty nine-year-old answering in monosyllables.

Look out for:

• Reluctance or refusal to go to school, or asking to be collected early
• Unexplained bruises, or belongings that keep going missing or getting broken
• Sleep problems, nightmares, or bedwetting in a child who had been dry
• Becoming withdrawn, tearful, irritable or unusually aggressive at home
• A dip in schoolwork, or losing interest in hobbies they loved
• Going quiet when their phone pings, or avoiding devices altogether

None of these proves bullying on its own, but a cluster of them is worth exploring gently.

Start the conversation — and listen without judgement

Choose a relaxed moment — walking the dog, cooking tea, the car journey home — rather than a formal sit-down. Children find it easier to talk side by side than face to face. Try something low-pressure: "I've noticed you've seemed a bit flat lately. I'm not going to make a big thing of it, but I'm here if you want to talk."

When they do open up, your first job is to listen, not to solve. Resist the urge to interrupt with questions or to leap straight to "I'll ring the school tomorrow." Let them get the whole story out, even if it takes a while, then reflect it back: "So this has been happening most days at break time. That sounds really wearing."

Be careful about promises you cannot keep. Saying "I won't tell anyone" may feel reassuring in the moment, but if things are serious you will need to involve the school. It is more honest to say: "Thank you for telling me. I won't do anything without talking to you first, but we might need some help with this." And do thank them — telling an adult takes real courage.

Make it clear: this is not their fault

Children who are bullied frequently assume they brought it on themselves. They may have been told they are too quiet, too clever, too different. Your words matter here, so be plain, and repeat them more than once.

Bullying is not a disagreement or a one-off falling out. It is behaviour that is repeated, intended to hurt, and involves an imbalance of power — whether that is size, age, numbers or social standing. Nothing a child does, wears or says earns that.

Useful things to say include:

• "This is not your fault. Nothing you did made this happen."
• "The way they are treating you is not okay, and it is not normal."
• "You are not being too sensitive. Your feelings make sense."
• "We are going to sort this out together, and you are not on your own."

If your child did react — shouted back, pushed someone, said something unkind in return — deal with that separately and calmly. It does not cancel out what was done to them.

Agree practical steps, together

Ask what your child would like to happen. Some want the behaviour to stop quietly; others want a change of seating or an apology. Their wishes should shape the plan, even if you cannot follow them exactly.

At school:

• Ask who they would feel comfortable telling. The form tutor, head of year or a pastoral lead are usually the right first contacts.
• Keep a written record: dates, times, what happened, who was there. Ask your child to add to it when they can.
• Save evidence of online bullying — screenshots, messages, usernames — without replying to any of it.
• Request a meeting and read the school's anti-bullying policy beforehand, so you know what they have committed to.
• At the meeting, be calm, specific and firm. Ask what will be done, by whom, and when it will be reviewed. Write down the answers and agree a date to check in again.
• If nothing changes, escalate politely: the headteacher, then the governing body or the local authority.

Supporting your child day to day

• Keep routines steady. Regular meals, a consistent bedtime and time outdoors all help a stressed nervous system settle.
• Don't confiscate their phone as a punishment. For many children it is their main line to friends and support. Instead, help them block, mute and report accounts, and review privacy settings together.
• Build up other areas of life: a club, a sport, a cousin they get on with, a grandparent who thinks they are brilliant. One good friendship is a strong protective factor.
• Rehearse simple responses — walking away, a neutral "whatever", staying near a friend — so they have something ready.
• Notice and name what they are doing well. Confidence is rebuilt in small, ordinary moments.

When to seek extra help

Most situations improve once the school is involved and your child feels believed. But ask for more support if you see persistent anxiety or low mood, school refusal, changes to eating or sleeping that last more than a couple of weeks, or any talk of self-harm. Speak to your GP and to the school's pastoral or safeguarding lead, who can bring in other services.

And look after yourself, too. Watching your child struggle is painful, and you cannot hold them up if you are running on empty. Talk to someone you trust, keep your own evenings as steady as you can, and remember that being the adult your child chose to tell is already a very great deal.